


When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be

by Samcgrath



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Louis, Harry and Louis meet in therapy, Harry inherited a music company, Harry volunteers at the hospital, Liam is a resident doctor, M/M, Niall and Zayn work with him, Pining Harry, Pining Louis, and there's horses, but that's not the first time they've met, i'm gonna stop, i'm shitty at tags, oblivious boys, or rather stupid boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-13
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 05:20:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1457029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samcgrath/pseuds/Samcgrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is depressed, Harry volunteers at the hospital and brings his horses for the patients to spend time with. A quiet, timid blue-eyed boy is not how he remembers Louis from a chance meeting once. Everyone else is around too as they all figure out what life is about, slowly and stupidly by being oblivious and not saying what they feel outright.</p><p>DISCONTINUED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Somedays I don't think of you at all

**Author's Note:**

> So, Ariane came to me with a prompt: Louis is depressed and Harry is the therapy guy who takes them to see horses. The characterizations and the train part and the rest is mine, and I am so so grateful that she brought me this prompt. Cheers!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own One Direction, neither am I profiting from this. It's not real, just a figment of my imagination. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I write. Nothing more, nothing less.

He is not sure where he’s going. It’s crowded here, people are shoving each other around him and he stumbles when a young boy shoulders past him and he has to reach out to the bench on the side to balance himself. When he finally looks up, the sky is that vivid mix between purple and orange when the sun is just minutes from disappearing. He is not sure where the train is going but he gets on it anyway.

***

“Will you drive faster? I’m going to miss my train!”

“I can’t drive any faster, there’s a rush on the highway.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, my grandma could drive faster that this!”

“…”

“I am going to miss my train! Is that what you want? For me to—“

“You should’ve started out earlier, it’s not my fault—“

“I’ve never missed a train in me life, and I am not going to now!”

“Look mate, I don’t know how to get there faster there’s a traffic jam. It’s five minutes away anyway, just hold—“

“Alright, that’s it! Here, take your money I’m getting out.”

“What the fuck? You can’t just—“

The next second he is throwing bills at the cabbie and rushing to get his luggage out of the taxi. The driver is cursing behind him as he lifts his bag over his shoulder and charges down the road. Winding around stuck cars and disgruntled people, he runs toward the train station and doesn’t stop to apologize to the many people he runs into. If he’s going to miss his first train even after running to the station, he is not going to apologize for being rude and that too to people who are standing in the middle of the fucking road. 

When he finally makes it to the right platform, the train is still there. Breathing a sigh of relief, he starts walking toward it amidst many a slacking passengers who just won’t let him walk by. His shirt is drenched in sweat and the bag almost slips from his grip but he makes it inside just moments before the doors close. People are looking at him with not so kind expressions but he’s the one who’s just run half a kilometer to catch a train while carrying luggage so they can kindly fuck off.

He shoulders past the emo kid who had snickered at him when he’d come in, and glares him into submission when he looks like he might protest. The kid lowers his black shaded eyes eventually. He hates teenagers. 

It seems that everyone is settled into their seats with newspapers and food, ready for the two hour journey. He is hefting his luggage over his shoulder and walking against the motion of the train to find his seat, and when he finally gets there he sees it already taken. Something must be wrong, he thinks while putting his bag down to inspect his own ticket. 

32-A17-G

That’s what it says. He looks up to see a head of unruly curls bowed down, and hunched shoulders where there should be an empty seat. The person doesn’t look up at all as he tries to politely stand there and give them a chance. When a drop of sweat trickles down his neck and onto his back, he makes a move.

“Excuse me, I think you’re in my seat.”

The head of curls doesn’t move.

“Um mate, you’re in my seat.”

He moves his hand to rest it on the person’s shoulder and jerks it back in surprise when the person in question snaps up to look at him in a mild panic and then turns their head away to look around the fairly empty compartment. 

As he watches for a moment longer, he finds the boy looking around wildly as if completely unaware of their surroundings at all. He finds himself mesmerized by striking green eyes darting around in a panicked frenzy. When they finally settle on him, he feels a sudden urge to reach out and comfort this stranger.

“You don’t look so good, you alright?”

The boy keeps staring at him, his mouth falls open but no words come out. 

“You’re actually in my seat, but that’s alright I can sit in this one. I’m Louis, by the way.”

He takes the seat next to the boy and pushes his bag under the chair to hold out a hand for the boy to shake. The boy looks down at the hand confusedly before looking back up at him. 

For the briefest moment, he pulls his lip into his mouth and bites down on it. Louis’ eyes widen of their own accord, he is left stunned. But then after just the briefest time, the boy releases his lip and finally words tumble out of him at an unhurried pace.

“Um. Where is this train going?”

His hand is still in the air, unshaken. Piercing green eyes are staring at him and he is absolutely lost. 

“Uh.”

He forces his gaze away to look down at his own ticket. Doncaster. Of course. He is going home, how can he not know where the train is going? Why did he have to look down at his ticket? What is happening?

“Doncaster” 

He replies dumbly. The boy turns to look out the window and Louis is left staring at haphazard curls falling over a perfectly white collar of a cotton shirt stretching over broad shoulders. He lowers his hand finally. 

“You get on the wrong train?”

The boy doesn’t seem to pay attention to him as he keeps looking at the changing landscape outside. Louis shrugs and turns around.

“How far is the next station?”

He looks up from his phone where Lottie is asking him how long till he gets home. The boy is now looking expectantly at him, Louis again feels the urge to protect this boy, from what he’s not sure.

“Um, well the next one should be about seven or so minutes. Finsbury Park, that’s the next stop.”

The boy silently nods his head and turns around leaving Louis staring at his curly hair again. He huffs and looks down at his phone. It must be another two minutes or so before the boy turns around, Louis can see him from the corner of his eye, watching him but he doesn’t speak up for a moment.

“Um. Am I in your seat?”

Louis locks his phone to look up at him. What he finds are sincere, apologetic eyes brimming with water and fear on a young, vulnerable face. That’s it, he thinks.

“Well, you are but it’s alright. I like aisle seats anyway. So, is the look of terror on your face just purely from traveling on London Subway for the first time? Or have you just discovered Torres?”

The boy doesn’t answer at all, instead he just looks back at Louis like a lost puppy.

“Are you a Chelsea fan? Did I just offend you? Well, if you support them then I guess you are an offence to my person so it doesn’t really matter.”

He sees the ghost of a smile forming on ruby red lips and has to hide a smirk of his own, he is not done yet. Not even close.

“I, myself bleed red. Well I guess we all do in a sense but I mean I’m a Man U fan, till the day I die! But you’re not a Pensioner, are you? If I have to give my seat to someone, I’d rather die than let a Pensioner take my seat.”

The boy just shakes his head slowly, a slow smile spreading across his lips before he frowns at something and turns away again. Louis is left looking at him and thinking just what has happened to this boy.

“Hey, you uh--you alright?”

This seems to startle the boy and he turns wide eyes to Louis. He still doesn’t speak and just nods, Louis can see unshed tears in his eyes before he averts them.

“Well, you look a bit lost but no worries, I’m here now. I travel this way at least once a month so I know all about this train journey ask me whatever. Just now, an old lady is going to walk by and fart really discreetly but you’ll be able to tell. She does this every time, every time I travel she does it two minutes into the journey and then she walks back five minutes later. It’s like she’s evenly spreading the smell throughout the compartment.

But she’s really mean so no one says anything to her. I remember this one time when I was just starting to do this, there was this chav who tried to make fun of her and she just took her walking stick and hit him square behind the knees and the poor bastard ended up on the floor. I’m telling you, she is evil.”

The boy finally smiles at him and Louis sharply looks away because he knows a dangerous temptation when he sees one, but then he’s pulled back in when a sharp laugh rings out from next to him. The boy is throwing his head back and laughing before he realizes the seal bark he’s just let out and then he bows his head and laughs silently. His shoulders are shaking and little giggles escape him, Louis is stuck looking at his trembling form and doesn’t notice the lady pass by till the smell hits him.

“Oh Jesus, fuck—what’d I tell ya? See? And it smells so bad too!”

The boy is now curled in on himself and for a second he looks up and Louis catches a faint outline of a dimple and bright teeth before it all disappears. He settles down and turns around to face Louis.

“I’m Harry.”

That’s all he says and then turns back to the window, Louis would really like him to stop doing that.

“So, who’s your favourite singer then, Harold?”

The boy takes a moment to realize that Louis is talking to him, he looks at him blankly with his mouth open and a frown set in his features.

“Mine is Susan Boyle, undisputed. She has the perfect balance of talent and beauty, no one can defeat her. I mean if I could date any celebrity, it’d be her. For sure.”

And that was five minutes ago, now he is telling Harry about how he once told a girl he loves girls who like carrots to get her to stop talking to him but it backfired when she started carrying carrots everywhere. Harry is smiling at the floor right now, his dimple very close to Louis’ face. He gets lost for a moment and Harry is looking at the floor still, but with a grim expression on his face just like the one he had when Louis first saw him.

“No! Jimmy protested.”

He yells and Harry startles next to him, his wide eyes settle on Louis and it takes him a moment to blink and Louis holds his breath the entire time. But then that smile from before finds a way across his lips and his cheeks flush with colour. Louis changes the topic instantly and looks away.

“Look at that goon over there, making a fool of himself! I mean, that girl is not even looking at him even I’m embarrassed for him, the poor sod. Chatting up the wrong girl, it does depend on what you say too though, I find. Like my go-to line is ‘Will you marry me?’ Simple but effective.”

Harry smiles down at his hands again and for a second he looks up to see which guy Louis’ talking about. His head bows down again and Louis feels like he is trying to make himself sad on purpose. Like he is actively trying not to smile and making himself miserable.

He tries not to think about his own troubles but it all weighs down on him in a scant moment when the boy next to him keeps his eyes on the ground and his hands fidget in his lap. Louis gets up from his seat and excuses himself,

“Well, I gotta go take a wee. Knew I shouldn’t have drank that much water before getting on!”

He allows himself a stolen glance at the boy who still seems to be fixated on the ground, before he turns around and walks to the toilet. 

He looks in the mirror and tells himself that everything is alright. That it is okay and he will be home soon, nothing to worry about. And till then, he has a beautiful companion to entertain. Honestly, he hasn’t seen anyone as ordinary looking and yet beautiful as Harry. He splashes his face and starts walking back to his seat thinking about a quip about how Susan Boyle is the best dancer in all of Britain. 

When he finally reaches his seat, he finds it empty. Harry is gone.

In a moment of sheer panic, he turns around and looks at everyone and toward the doors but finds no sign of the boy. He knows he is not thinking clearly as he moves toward the door of the compartment, what would he even say to Harry if he found him? What could he say? And he still keeps walking and looking around but he never finds the somewhat familiar mop of curls. 

A sense of acute loss settles in his chest as he walks back to his seat and pushes himself down. He didn’t even know the boy, so then why does it feel like he’s lost someone dear?

***

“Why would you even do that? I mean, who does that? Eat an orange during a Board Meeting?”

“Our Harry does, that’s who! I’m just grateful it wasn’t a banana!”

“Heeeey.”

“What? Don’t deny that you wouldn’t do that, take your time peeling it all nice and slow…”

“And then do that tongue thing you do with food and open up nice and---“

“Shut up. Both of you.”

“Ahahaha, see that’s exactly what I mean by embarrassed, imagine how mortified I was when you started peeling an orange while Mr. Higgins was presenting the Quarter Report.”

“It can’t have been that bad, I mean—“

“Niall, if you were there you would’ve definitely started losing your shit. Like, he was taking his sweet time peeling it off and then closely inspecting if there was any seeds left and carefully tearing off the slices--”

“Okay, enough lads! Let’s not harass him now.”

“Thank you, Liam. I appreciate it.”

“I mean, of course I would murder him if I was there but—“

“Liiiaaam.”

“Aw, sorry Haz. I can just picture you sitting in that big-ass chair and peeling an orange while all these old men watch you with wide eyes. And then you look up and startle when you see all these eyes on you!”

“It wasn’t like that actually, he was too busy in the orange to even look up at all. I was trying to get his attention but then I guess everyone just shrugged and moved on. They've gotten used to his quirks by now, I guess.”

Zayn finally finishes his recounting of the incident at yesterday’s Board meeting, basically Harry had found an orange in the lift before the meeting so he took it along and started eating it at some point. Apparently, Zayn had been mortified on his behalf and so now he is embarrassing Harry in front of Liam and Niall.

“I just don’t see why this is such a big deal. I mean people eat during meetings all the time.”

“Not fucking oranges! But if you own the company, I guess you can do whatever you want.”

“It’s just an orange.”

“Only you, Harry! Only you.”

He smiles shyly and looks down while the lads pat him on the back. They continue to chat about other meaningless things for a bit before Liam announces that lunch hour is over. Just as they’re picking up their empty food containers, Zayn leans over a bit and whispers in his ear,

“It’s good to see you like this again, mate.”

He walks away after Liam and Niall but it takes a moment for Harry to move. What Zayn means by that statement is that it’s good to see Harry go back to his usual happy self. Because the thing is, he had a rough phase. A really rough phase.

See, his dad passed away last year and he was absolutely lost. 

He was shaken, and nothing seemed to make sense. But as the son of the family and the heir to the multi-billion pound company his father left him, Harry had to step up. He had to put on a mask and pretend to be strong for the sake of his family and his dad’s dream.

So, he woke up the next day and pushed all sorrow and all pain deep, deep down. He stood in front of the mirror and practiced and he convinced everyone. So much so that he fooled himself into thinking that he was okay.

For months, he continued like this. As the new CEO of Styles Music Co., he absolutely smashed all records his dad had made. Everything was looking up, his mum and sister were doing great. He had almost forgotten the loss he went through until one day it all came back. And he mask slipped.

Harry was sitting in a meeting listening to people talking about how the image of the company should be changed now that a 20-something was boss and not a father of two. It hit hard when he heard those words, almost lashed out but then he remembered he had to remain calm. So he pretended till the meeting was over, he just sat there and held on to the lie.

As soon as it was over though, he silently walked out of the building and kept walking. He wasn’t even sure where he was going until he saw a train and his sorrow-addled brain told him to get on.

He doesn’t remember much about that day but one thing he remembers is the boy who sat next to him on the train. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes that he knew the boy but in those ten minutes, Harry saw and heard and absorbed enough that it has lasted him eight months.

He still remembers the high tone of his voice, but only faintly. He closes his eyes sometimes trying to remember his face but only vague features come to mind. He remembers electric blue eyes like the ocean and he remembers sharp cheekbones but everything else is hazy. And not a single day has gone by when Harry hasn’t berated himself for not looking closely.

In just those ten minutes, that stranger had talked so much and said so much that Harry can’t help but smile every time he remembers that blurry memory. He remembers some things that the boy might’ve said or he might just be filling in the blanks. But the boy stands for something in his mind, he stands for happiness.

That no matter how hard it gets, it’s going to be alright.

That there are people like that in the world, people so bright that they could light up your life in ten minutes of casual passing.

And the boy did change Harry’s life. He stopped him from doing something drastic to himself that night, like jumping off a bridge or something. Harry isn’t sure what he’d have done that night, but then the boy had started talking to him and made him smile and made him forget for a precious few seconds the pain he was in.

It’s just that hearty laugh that Harry tries to think back on, on some nights.

Just the knowledge that there are people like that, carefree people who sit next to a stranger on a train – a stranger who has hogged their seat – and tell jokes and share a laugh with them just for the sake of it.

That’s what brought him back from the edge. 

And Zayn had been there through it all, they had all been but he is the only one who knows about the boy on the train. Harry had told him in a moment of weakness days later and Zayn has never brought it up again.

But Harry knows what he means when he says he’s happy to see him like this again.

Because for the past year, Harry has been very quiet and closed off unlike his usual open and happy self. But after that night on the train, he’d started opening up again and there are days when he puts the mask back on but most days it’s the thought of a happy stranger that keeps him company and reminds him that everything is alright.

He runs to catch up with the lads just as they are getting on the escalator.

“So then, what about that talent scout thing tonight? You coming, Mr. Styles?”

“No actually, I have to go see Liam’s boss about the whole therapy business. I mean Mum’s okay with me using the horses for the therapy but I still feel like I need to ask Dr. Carlyle one more time. Although, I might be done by then, not sure.”

“Harry, he told me specifically that he really appreciates the idea and that you’re taking out time to do this. I really don’t think he’d be opposed to anything you have to say.”

“Well, what about timings though? I mean, I can do twice a week like we discussed for this month and then we’ll see later on. And I’ll make sure to match it with your schedule so you can go along as the physician.”

“Yup, that all sounds good. Just, I have to ask again don’t take it the wrong way I mean—“

“Liam, just say it.

“These are all depression patients and I mean, I know you’re not depressed or anything but like, recently you have been a bit down and with reason, I know but still. Like, are you sure you want to be around that environment? Even I have days where I go home in a slump, I mean you have all seen me. So, are you sure you’ll be fine?”

“I will be. I know I was a bit withdrawn there for a while, but I’m back now. And I just really want to help out, I mean I have the horses and if its helps with their treatment then yes, I want to help. Plus, you’ll be there to keep an eye on me, right?”

"I will be, but I’m a resident student at the hospital. I’m not a proper doctor—“

“Well, you’re more of a doctor than any of us are so that counts.”

Liam just smiles politely at him and pats him on the back before saying goodbye to Zayn and Niall and walking over to Harry’s car. They drive over to the hospital in relative silence as they’re both lost in their own thoughts.

Liam is busy thinking about what Zayn had whispered to Harry. He doesn’t know exactly what Zayn knows but he is sure that there is something that he and Harry are keeping from everyone else about his depression. Well, his almost slip into depression last year after his dad passed away. And Liam can’t help but be worried that being around a similar kind of sadness might send Harry down the path of inevitable depression. 

Harry is trying to piece back a broken conversation he recalls from months ago and still can’t fully remember. The thought of a bright smile and crinkled eyes keeps him occupied.

***

When he makes it to the hospital after weaving through heavy traffic, Liam is practically vibrating next to him.

“I am so late, so so late. I am getting fired today, I’m never going to make a doctor.”

“Will you calm down, you’re like one minute late. Just stop shaking, please.”

Even before he has stopped talking, Liam is jumping out of the car and running toward the main door of the hospital. Harry takes his sweet time taking off the seat belt and locking the car before making his way in. He asks after Dr. Carlyle from Nurse McCall at the main desk before walking toward the lifts.

There are two young looking nurses in the lift and they both look at him when he enters and are giggling in the corner right now. When one of them looks over, Harry just puts on his charming smile and he knows his dimples always make people swoon and he’s not disappointed. 

The girls are still talking slowly between themselves when Harry gets to his floor. Before leaving he turns towards them and whispers,

“Good day, ladies.”

He hears them both suck in a deep breath as the doors close behind him. 

When he finds Dr. Carlyle’s office, he raps his knuckles softly against the door.

“Come in.”

Dr. Carlyle is seated at his desk and looking up at Harry expectantly when he enters.

“Hi, Dr. Carlyle.”

“Mr. Styles, what a pleasant surprise. How may I help you?”

“Well, Dr. Carlyle I just wanted to--”

“Damien, please Mr. Styles.”

“Alright then, you should call me Harry then. Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you about the therapy idea we discussed. Liam actually said you were okay with it but I wanted to check in anyway.”

“Liam was right, but I’m glad you came anyway.”

Dr. Carly--Damien is smiling widely at him right now and if he’s reading this right, then there’s a flirty edge to his curved lips. Harry offers a dimpled smile of his own.

“So am I. I just needed to discuss the finer details with you. Basically, I am offering to bring my horses around to the farm my family owns five minutes from the hospital and then we can take the patients over for a couple of hours a week. I was hoping that Liam could come along as a physician and I would feel comfortable if it was him who came along. 

And I’d like it if you wanted to come as well for the first time, and see for yourself. You’re welcome to come anytime, of course.”

“Well, I absolutely do not doubt yours or Mr. Payne’s capability but if you want me to, I will accompany you. And it all sounds pretty good to me, you can just write a temporary schedule for me so I can get the patients ready. When you’ve got it better under control then we can make it permanent. Sound good?”

“Yes, very. Thank you for giving me a chance and for having faith.”

“Not many people do selfless things for others, Harry. I have seen enough in this profession.”

“Well, I think if I have been blessed with enough money and a chance to be able to do this, then I am going to take it.”

“And I admire you for it.”

They have come to some sort of agreement silently that he thinks puts serious responsibility on him. And he is not going to let Damien down.

“There is one thing though, before you go.”

“Yes?”

“These are depression patients, Harry. And some of them have other issues as well, manic depression is a long-term issue. Some of them have been here for years so don’t expect them to get better in a couple of days. Don’t get disappointed if none of them starts feeling better in some weeks. It’s not your fault or anyone’s really. It’s just not something you can cure in days.”

“I understand, Doctor. I won’t expect any miracles.”

“That is not what I meant. You never know what might happen, but you look like a person who would expect people to get better after an evening of feeling happy and then beat yourself up when it doesn’t last. I’m just warning you, some of them will be happy when around the horses and then just go back to being upset or distraught. You need to make sure you don’t let it get to you.”

“Thank you for the heads up. Liam told me the same thing earlier. I’ll make sure not to get too attached.”

***


	2. I accidentally fell in love, and he never even learned my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, couple things. Thanks for reading and commenting, I've been convinced to continue this. Second, the song Demons is a big inspiration for this fic so you'll see a lot of the lyrics in titles and such, if you've never heard the song - DO IT NOW. Also, I'll be putting in links in the notes to gifs and photos etc. that are relevant to the story. Alright, go forth!

He goes to find Liam when Damien lets him go, he is just so excited to do this that in a moment of pure nervousness and excitement he rushes into the ward without waiting for Liam to come get him. 

 

The first thing he sees is an older looking man lying sideways in a hospital bed and staring at the opposite wall. He doesn’t move at all even when Harry walks in between his bed and the wall. Harry looks away and finds Liam leaning over near a bed in the corner of the ward. Harry quietly makes his way over to him and Liam is leaning over a small girl sitting with her legs crossed on the bed. She is looking attentively up at Liam and Harry feels something clench inside his chest.

 

“--Now stay with me cause I’m quite quick 5 6 7 8.”

 

The girl is giggling into her little hands as Liam expertly checks her charts and makes notes. She then notices Harry behind Liam and points her little finger at him.

 

“Who are you?”

 

Liam turns around sharply and clutches his chest when he finds Harry standing there.

 

“When did you get here?”

 

“Just now, talked to Damien about the thing. And who is this?”

 

Liam is looking at him with a raised eyebrow and Harry has no clue what’s gotten him so curious. When he gets no response, Liam turns around and starts talking again.

 

“This is Ms. Darcy and we were just chatting about dance. Darcy, this is Harry. He is the one who’s going to take us to see the horses tomorrow.”

 

Harry is left stunned at the sight in front of him, he has never seen someone’s face change this quickly. Darcy’s little face shifts from confused and curious to happy in less than a second. Her furrowed brows even out and the tiny frown turns into a huge grin and she is looking absolutely precious right now, Harry resists the urge to lean forward and hug her. ‘Don’t get too attached’ he hears Damien’s words in his mind and twists his hands behind his back to keep from reaching forward.

 

“When are we going to meet the horses? I’m so excited, can we go today?”

 

Harry is not sure how to deal with smiling children, he can never say no to people let alone a child. He’d be a terrible father, he knows. He’d be the parent who spoils the kids and gives into their every demand and never be able to be strict.

 

Liam interrupts when he sees the discomfort slip across his face.

 

“Well, we’re definitely going this week. But there are some things that need to be taken care of. The horses need to be ready to see everyone too, we don’t want them to be sad, do we?”

 

“No, we don’t.”

 

Darcy is looking at Liam with so much admiration and Harry thinks he wants someone to look at him like that too.

 

“Okay, Mr. Harry, we can go when the horses are ready.”

 

She nods determinedly as if making an important decision and Harry’s hand shoots out to sooth her cheek without his control.

 

“Alright, princess Darcy.”

 

She rewards him with a blinding smile and ‘shitty father, you'll be terrible father’ he thinks. Liam finishes up with her and walks Harry to one side. This isn't like a normal hospital ward would be, it's a cozy little room with comfortable beds and huge windows along every wall. The huge TV is playing some new pop song that Harry recognizes absently.

 

“So, everything is set then? Can I tell them that the therapy’s a go?”

 

“Yup, I’ve talked everything over and it should be good to go tomorrow, weather permit.”

 

“It’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow so it should be fine. What time do you want me to tell everyone?”

 

“How about around 1 like, after lunch. That way everyone will be well fed and you’ll be rested too. Then I’ll just come and drive everyone to the farm.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds like a plan. They’re all so excited for this, it’s such a good idea.”

 

“I hope so mate, I hope so.”

 

Liam walks him to the lift and bids him goodbye, Harry is thinking of Darcy on his way down and the thought of the little girl being anything less than how happy she had just seemed makes him upset. All the way back to the office, he keeps thinking of the little girl and how excited she was to see the horses. For the briefest moment, he thinks of how the stranger on the train would make her roll around on the floor just from all his jokes. He would’ve definitely made her giggle and look up at him admirably, Harry knows he would’ve.

 

Niall launches himself at Harry when he walks into the lad’s office.

 

“Hazza! So good to see you back, Zayn started freaking out ten minutes ago, he thought you weren’t going to show up for the scouting.”

 

“Is it just me or is Zayn coming out of his mysterious shell and actually caring about things?”

 

“I’m not coming out of anything, you idiot! I just like my work.”

 

Zayn is standing in the doorway leaning against it casually, only he can actually pull it off. Everyone else looks like they’re trying too hard when they try to do it.

 

“Niall told me you thought I’d ditched you. I’d never do that, mate.”

 

“I don’t trust you after you went AWOL last year. Never again.”

 

“You’re losing your careless attitude there, Bradford Badboy.”

 

“You just worry about your sorry knock-knock jokes and your hipster ass, Styles.”

 

Niall bursts out laughing next to him and Harry isn’t far behind. Zayn is absolutely ruthless when he wants to be and he’s being nice here, they all know. Harry silently follows him into the recording studio on the top floor. By the time they get there, there’s already a line-up of nervous looking people and Harry tries to keep his head bowed and his eyes from meeting anyone. When they’re finally settled in and gesture for the assistant to start sending in people into the recording side of the glass, the first person is a girl in a flowery dress singing Taylor Swift and Harry wonders just how many times he’s going to have to listen to ‘I knew you were trouble’ today.

 

After four hours of constant attention to every little detail in every voice and a very long time spent discussing these details with each other, they finally decide that the four blokes who came in with their original song are good. '5 seconds of Summer' they were called and everyone agrees that they should come back for another recording test. 

 

Also the lad who played the guitar and sang a near-perfect version of Stand by Me bowled them all over but Niall more a little bit than either of them because Niall has been talking ceaselessly about him. He even stopped eating long enough to listen to the lad sing and he remembered his name, his full name. While you couldn’t get Niall’s own full name out of him if he was busy stuffing his face.

 

Harry and Zayn share a look when Niall very casually brings up the name while his nose is buried deep in the papers in front of him as he makes an extra effort to not look up at them.

 

“So that Josh Devine lad was pretty good. He had good guitar skills and a clear, steady voice.”

 

“Did he?”

 

“I’m not sure, Zayn. I don’t remember which one he was.”

 

“I think he was the one with the black hair, Harry.”

 

“No, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t him, Zayn. I think it was the one with the long hair--”

 

“He was the one with the brown hair and the really deep eyes, you twats and he sang Stand by Me!”

 

They both burst out laughing when Niall realizes his mistake and his cheeks turn pink while his eyes resemble saucers. 

 

“You’re both such tossers, I hate you.”

 

Niall is rushing out of the room as Zayn and Harry are still laughing about how whipped Niall looked after one song from Josh.

 

When they’ve finally calmed down, they go looking for Niall and no wonder find him in the first place they look - in the private kitchen on their floor, wolfing down food.

 

“We were just kidding, come on now.”

 

“No, I hate you both.” He answers with his mouth full and it’s a testament to their friendship that they’ve seen him enough times like this that they don’t even feel odd to see his mouth open with food stuffed in.

 

“C’mon, Nailler you know we were just taking the piss. We love you, mate.”

 

“Yeah and we agree about Josh too, he did a very good job with the guitar. He might need some help with the vocals though, think you can help him?”

 

They are both falling out of their chairs a second later when Niall just launches himself at them. Harry is lying on the carpet with a mouthful of blonde curls and a happy Irishman over him. Life is good.

 

***

 

He startles awake to a dark room. The air is stale and smells of sickness, the scent curling uncomfortably on his tongue. A sliver of moonlight slips in through an open window, he flexes his fingers into the light and watches the shadows playing on the ground. 

 

Someone coughs in the distance and he’s broken from the trance he’s in. If he listens closely he can hear beeps from monitors and people chatting in the distance but he ignores those sounds most days. Today, the chatter is too much. This is going to be a bad day, he knows.

 

He rolls to his other side and pulls the blanket up to his cheek, willing the thoughts to die down so he can get some more sleep before he’s woken up. Even through the deafening images and voices, he forces himself to fall asleep. Thoughts of darkness and stellar green eyes lull him into oblivion.

 

***

A blood curdling scream sounds from somewhere and before he knows it, he’s rushing downstairs with legs getting caught up in the pair of shorts he’s trying to pull up as he runs. He is running into the kitchen with the shorts riding dangerously low on his hips and his hands flowing out to hold on to the kitchen counter to stop his feet from running out from under him when the screaming stops.

 

And what he finds - as he stands shirtless in the kitchen, hands clutching the counter, eyes blinking furiously to adjust to the light and hair sticking up every which way - is his sister sitting on one of the stools with the newspaper in her hand while his mum stands next to the fridge with her hands covering her ears. They don’t even notice him for a while.

 

“Oh hey Harry, you’re up early. Could you put on a shirt, I have no interest in looking at your extra teats.”

 

He grits his teeth to stop himself from saying something unkind, he is trying so hard.

 

“No, seriously though. Just because the Mail seems to think that you’re the most eligible bachelor in all of England doesn’t mean I need to wake up to see my brother almost--”

 

“If you weren’t screaming your lungs out like you’re at a boyband concert, I would still be peacefully asleep.”

 

“Well, at least you’re up now so answer this very important question. Did you sign 5 Seconds of Summer to the label?”

 

“Who the fu--”

 

“Language, Harry.”

 

“Sorry Mum, who the frick is 7 seconds of autumn?”

 

“'5 Seconds of Summer', you absolute peasant!”

 

“It’s too early for this, I’m going back to bed.”

 

“No, wait. Did you sign them?”

 

“I don’t know who you’re talking about. Just let me go, the bed is calling me.”

 

“They’re the best band, I saw them on youtube and they’re all so cute especially Ashton, and their Australian accent--”

 

“Is this about four boys that play like, drums and--”

 

“Yes, that’s them!”

 

“Huh. Well, the lads and I listened to them play yesterday and they’re coming in again today so we can get a closer look but nothing’s final yet.”

 

“You have to sign them.”

 

“Mum? Can I please go back to bed now? She’s insane and I can’t listen to this anymore--”

 

“You have to sign them. They’re the hottest band right now, it’d be stupid to let them go, like other labels will be--”

 

“I do not need to take business advice from you, Science Education Honours. I know what I’m--”

 

“Well if you’re going to make stupid decisions then I guess I should step in.”

 

“Oh god, just. I’m going back to bed. This is not okay. Just, Mum please make her stop. I’m going to bed.”

 

“Eligible Bachelor, my arse! Going back to bed at nine and--”

 

“What’s with you two cursing so much? I raised you better than this.”

 

He spies his sister ashamedly looking down as he silently leaves the kitchen before Anne makes them feel anymore ashamed about being bad kids.

 

“Gemma, don’t wind him up so much. He’s working really hard--”

 

“I know, Mum. I was just teasing him a bit. Sorry.”

 

“I know love, just be a bit more patient with him. He’s finally getting back to himself, let’s not make it harder for him, yeah?”

 

She nods her head before getting up and walking out of the kitchen with an apple in her hand. 

 

“Hey.”

 

Harry doesn’t respond when she stands by his bed. She knows he isn’t asleep yet or else he’d snoring softly so she sits down on his the bed by his legs.

 

“You know I was just joking, right?”

 

Silence.

 

“C’mon Harry, I know you can handle it by yourself. You’re doing such a brilliant job of it, everyone’s always talking about how you’ve taken over a good company and made it great. Mum and I are so proud of you, you know that Haz.”

 

He moves his head slightly under the quilt as if to position his ear to hear her better, but doesn’t look at her or say anything.

 

“I was talking about them because I fancy one of them, he’s--”

 

In the middle of the sentence she gets the scare of her life when Harry suddenly sits up and the quilt goes flying onto her, she might’ve screamed but he can’t convince her to admit it like always so he lets it slide by and just smiles widely at her.

 

“Which one?”

 

“Oh so now you’re awake? And get away from me, your morning breath is wilting the flowers in the garden.”

 

He doesn’t make any move to get away, only his grin is almost manic now as he raises her hands and points his fingers towards her. 

 

“Don’t you dare, Styles.”

 

“It doesn’t sound threatening if you have the same surname, Gems.”

 

“It does, and just put your fingers away. If you tickle me, I swear I will kick your pretty face. You know I will.”

 

“I won’t have to if you tell me which one you like.”

 

“Alright, you little shit. Ashton, I like Ashton. He plays the drums.”

 

“Should’ve known, you’ve always had a thing for drummers. I mean he was okay to look at but nothing--”

 

“Says the one who’s been day-dreaming about a boy he met for ten minutes months ago!”

 

His face falls the second the words leave her mouth, his hands fall into his lap as a poor excuse of a smile still plays on his lips. Gemma knows all his acts and masks, she never could be fooled.

 

“Still?”

 

He doesn’t answer her but she gets her answer anyway, her arms are snaking around his shoulders as she pulls him a little closer to herself.

 

“It’s okay, Hazza. You’ll find him.”

 

He doesn’t answer her and she doesn’t let go. Anne comes in a bit later to check if Harry is up yet. She stops short at the open door with her hand raised in the air to knock when her eyes fall on her son and daughter holding on to each other. Harry sees her then and waves at her to come over.

 

Gemma laughs as Anne wraps her arms around both her children and kisses them.

 

“Alright, we’re not back in nursery school! You don’t have to kiss us, Mum. And you need to brush, Harry. That breath is disgusting. The Mail should be here right now breathing in the stale air, then I’ll ask them about most Eligible Bachelor!”

 

Gemma leaves in a hurry and Harry and Anne both know that she has a different way of coping than they do. She doesn’t like to talk about it, just buries it and moves on. While Harry and his Mum are both people who share, that’s not how it has been for the last year. But they’ve all come out of it stronger so he has no complaints.

 

Anne gets up from the bed and tells Harry he needs to shower now if he wants to be on time. Just as he is getting up and throwing his quilt away, her fingers find their way into his hair and she ruffles them gently and places a kiss on his temple before offering him a smile and leaving.

 

He's standing under the warm spray and smiling at how things have changed for the better recently. Almost everything is back to normal now, he thinks. And he is going to the hospital today too. His Mum is happy when she finds him sitting at the kitchen counter with a bowl of cereal and a small smile on his face.

 

Definitely a good day, he thinks.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just one last thing, I'm experimenting a bit with my writing style in this fic, is anyone really bothered by the present tense? Any other irks? 
> 
> Title of the chapter is from a poem I saw on tumblr, and lovely Sarah gave me permission to use it. Go check out the whole thing on her blog, it's beautiful!  
> Here: http://just-one-wallflower.tumblr.com/tagged/spilled-ink


	3. Don't get too close, it's dark inside

Lottie is looking at him with guarded eyes as if expecting him to explode any second, he doesn’t like this feeling. It’s like he is a ticking time bomb and his sister is warily keeping her distance. He would never hurt her.

 

“I’d never hurt you, Lotts. You know that, right?”

 

She is nodding at him but he can see the doubt in her eyes. He wants her to feel comfortable around him, always. He never wants to be looked at like she’s looking at him right now. She is moving back the second he takes a step toward her and the helplessness that bleeds through him is slicing.

 

“Lotts?”

 

She is looking back at him with a defeated expression, her wide eyes pleading him to understand something he isn’t sure he wants to.

 

“Please?”

 

She shakes her head slowly, biting her lip she moves back another step. He can see the tears in her eyes from here and he wants to reach out. His hand is in the air but she won’t let him get close. 

 

Why won’t she just let him get close?

 

He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around to find his Mum standing behind him.

 

“It’s okay, boo. Give them time.”

 

He turns around to find the twins and Lottie and Fizzie standing in the kitchen. Someone is calling his name and he wants to answer but he can’t speak. His sisters and his Mum are gone and he’s in a train. It looks familiar but he can’t find who’s calling him and then his shoulder is shaken again.

 

“Tommo!”

 

Niall is standing over him with a halo of light around his hair.

 

“Niall?”

 

“Alright, mate? You were squirming quite a bit there.”

 

He was dreaming about the worst day of his life then. Again.

 

“Yeah, just a bad dream. What’re you doing here?”

 

“Well, I thought I haven’t seen you in a while so I took some time off work. You want food?”

 

“Sure, just let me brush. I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

“Alright, I’ll just wait here.”

 

The floor is cold under his bare feet but he doesn’t want to put on the slippers so he walks on his toes and heels towards the bathroom. He should shave, there’s at least five days of scruff on his face but he can’t be bothered right now.

 

He tries not to look in the mirror as he brushes his teeth but when his eyes get stuck on it, he finds a tired face looking back at him. The bright eyes he used to be proud of you have no light behind them now. He’d never let anyone see him like this a year ago. 

 

Now, it doesn’t matter.

 

Niall is sitting on his bed when he gets back, the quilt neatly folded on the edge. 

 

“So, you want to go to the cafeteria then?”

 

“No offence mate, but their food is shite.”

 

“Can’t argue with that.”

 

“I actually was thinking we could go to the Nandos down the street. That okay?”

 

He doesn’t really want to be around people but he hasn’t gotten off his bed for three days so he knows he should be going. Dr. Carlyle has let him be for the most part, not interfering with him but the only thing he asks for in return is that he goes out once in a while. 

 

He actually does want good food so five minutes later they’re both walking toward Nandos.

 

“I know you don’t like me asking but I’m going to anyway. How’re you?”

 

“I’m good, Nialler. Better actually, you?”

 

“I’m good, mate. Job’s going great, life is good.”

 

“Good, good.”

 

He falls silent after that stealing glances at him but doesn’t speak. And he probably knows that Louis can see him doing that but it doesn’t stop him.

 

“Niall?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You know I can see you, right?’

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay.”

 

They order burgers and onion rings and go back to comfortable silence. Louis stares at his hands while Niall stares at him.

 

“How many days?”

 

Niall asks without any pretense but Louis knows what he’s asking. How many days since he’s had a good day.

 

Because with what he has, some days are good and some bad. The highs are really high and the lows are the lowest a person could go. Manic Depression they call it, but Dr. Carlyle had explained that his symptoms were too mild to be categorised as full-blown Depression so Cyclothymia is what he has. 

 

He remembers his dad having extreme episodes when he was a kid. He’d be shaking with excitement as he bundled little Louis up and then took him and Mum out to the festivals in town. 

 

Louis loved those days because his dad was always so happy and energetic, and his Mum would be so excited too. And then one day, she stopped smiling and laughing at his jokes. Instead she always looked at his dad worriedly. Like he was going to explode any minute.

 

And then there were the bad days, when Louis would come home from school to find his dad in bed. He remembers in the beginning when he used to try to get his dad up. When he would sit next to the bed for hours telling his dad all the stories from school and begging him to get up so they could go play outside. Countless times his Mum found him asleep on the bed next to his dad, exhausted after hours of begging and talking.

 

Some days she’d find him on the floor next to the bed, crying his eyes out because dad wasn’t listening.

 

And then he left.

 

For weeks, Louis thought it was his fault that his dad left. He thought it was because he was forcing him to play when he was sick and didn’t want to. His Mum had sat him down one night in the kitchen and told him that it wasn’t his fault.

 

“Dad is sick and he doesn’t want us to get sick. He’s gone for a while, he’ll come back.”

 

Somehow even at six, he knew she was lying. He knew his dad was never coming back, and he never did.

 

Louis forgot all about the sickness and some days he didn’t even think about his dad. Mum found Mark and then his sisters came and everything was alright. He was loving life, everyday. Because if there was one thing he wanted from life, it was freedom.

 

He wanted to do everything, make mistakes and learn from them. He wanted to live and not just be alive. So that when he goes, he doesn’t regret anything. So that he never has to blame someone else for his failures.

 

So he’ll know that all the mistakes are his. And so are the dreams and goals. 

 

Until one day, everything came crashing down around him.

 

Well, he is dealing as well as he can. He’s gotten much better since he’s been at the hospital. The mood swings are getting milder and Dr. Carlyle is letting him be because he says Louis is doing so much better than the other patients. He still takes his medication and goes to therapy but it’s the control that’s helping him most.

 

He’s always been someone who is in control. In any situation , he needs to be in control. These days, it’s hard to do that. But Dr.Carlyle has given him enough freedom that at least he can fool himself into believing that he’s in control.

 

It’s not like he doesn’t want to relax, he does. He wants to give someone else the chance to anchor him, to hold him down but it’s scary. The thought that someone could have that kind of power over him is absolutely terrifying. And he hasn’t yet met anyone that he could hand the strings to.

 

He doesn’t know if he ever will.

 

So he’s just going to keep doing what he’s doing, keep to himself and ride this out. 

 

Like his Mum has taught him about every adversity in life, just live through it. 

 

“Three?”

 

He’s not sure what Niall is talking about.

 

“Two?”

 

He looks at him curiously but before he can even ask Niall talks over him.

 

“One?”

 

“Are you launching a missile? What’re you doing?”

 

A loud laugh rings out and Niall is giggling with his head on the table. It takes him a minute to stop laughing, his face is bright red when he finally lifts his head.

 

“I’ve missed you, y’know. So you feel better, then?”

 

“I’m alright.”

 

“So? One then?”

 

“I still have no clue what you’re talking about?”

 

“Bad days.”

 

“Ah. Three, but I feel better today.”

 

“That’s good then. You look like shite though.”

 

“Why thank you, that’s supposed to help a lot according to recent studies.”

 

“Just telling it how it is, mate. No, but really I’m happy to see you getting back. I talked to your Mum this morning, she said they’re all good. Her and the girls are going to Ireland for the weekend. Me Mum asked them over for a bit."

 

He takes in all the information as the waitress puts their food down. It’s good to hear that his family is doing good. But he doesn’t know what to say to any of it.

 

“She asked about you. Said she was waiting for your call.”

 

He’s got nothing to say that Niall hasn’t already heard many times.

 

“Why won’t you call her, Lou? She doesn’t blame you, you know that. Right?”

 

No, he doesn’t. 

 

Actually yes, he does. He knows she doesn’t blame him.

 

But she should. 

 

“She doesn’t. No one does. They all want you to get better is all, so do I.”

 

He’s trying.

 

“I know you’ll be fine, I know you. And you never give up so I know. Just call her once, yeah? She’d like it.

 

He doesn’t respond. 

 

Niall knows he won’t so he digs into his food and they eat silently for the most part. Louis likes going out with Niall because the silences are all comfortable, he doesn’t feel pressurized to say anything. For the most part.

 

“So we were doing a Talent Scout thing at work yesterday, and this bloke came in. He sang the most brilliant version of Stand by Me I’ve heard. And that includes that one time you sang it at the bonfire in Uni.”

 

“Break my heart why don’t you!”

 

“No seriously Tommo, this lad was brilliant. And he was proper fit, the most gorgeous pair of eyes I’ve ever seen and I’m surrounded by people with beautiful eyes for some reason. And he just had the dreamiest--”

 

“Have you fallen in love, Nialler?”

 

He stops talking the second Louis asks him that, and his silence is more proof than his words ever could be. Louis knows the feeling. He pushes aside hazy memories of green eyes to look up at Niall.

 

“I--I don’t know. It just, I can’t stop thinking about it. About him.”

 

“That’s what it is.”

 

“No….”

 

“Yup.”

 

“But..”

 

“I’m telling ya, mate. When you can’t get it out of your head no matter how hard you try, that’s what it is.”

 

“You still pining over that mysterious lad, then?”

 

He can’t help it that he fell in love with a stranger. A stranger who probably doesn’t even remember him. It’s been a couple months but he still compares every pair of eyes he sees to fierce green ones. Still finds people’s smiles too shallow, too dull. Still itches to run his fingers through soft curls. Still compares attractive people to that one person and comes up short every time.

 

But it doesn’t matter, anyway. He’s in no condition to give someone love, he possibly couldn’t. Not when he’s lost himself, he can’t lead anyone else on. Much less the stranger he remembers. He wouldn’t wish this fate on anyone.

 

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Ni.”

 

“Oh I think you do, your face does this weird thing when I bring him up. It turns all fond. You are still thinking about him.”

 

“I think about a lot of people.”

 

“Alright, don’t tell me if you don’t want. I won’t force you, but I hope you find him.”

 

‘I really wish I don’t’, he doesn’t say out loud. He really wishes he never runs into him again. 

 

Don’t get too close, it’s dark inside. It’s where my demons hide.

 

***  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So no one reading this then?


End file.
